


i want to get used to this

by dontcallmeeds



Series: you and no one else [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Hand Jobs, Multi, clueless ryuji, hand holding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 10:41:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16016231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontcallmeeds/pseuds/dontcallmeeds
Summary: It seemed that everyone around Ryuji except himself knew about his feelings for Akira. Okay, so maybe they've been there for a while. How does he break down the walls he had built up for himself? How will he confess his feelings without losing his best friend?





	i want to get used to this

_Oh yeah I tell you somethin'_  
_I think you'll understand_  
_When I say that somethin'_  
_I want to hold your hand_  
_I want to hold your hand_  
_I want to hold your hand_

_- **i want to hold your hand, the beatles**_

 

Hands.

 

For Ryuji, it all started with hands.

 

Hands that belonged to his best friend. Hands that had pulled him out of tight situations, hands that gave him high-fives, _hands_ that he knew would save him if he needed saving. Akira’s hands were masculine, but they weren’t aggressive; they weren’t soft or feminine, but they were somewhere in the middle. Ryuji didn’t quite know how to describe it, but every time that for some reason his hands touched Akira’s, all he could feel was safety. Warmth. Kindness. Ryuji’s hands weren’t like that at all. His knuckles were prominent and rough and his palms were almost like leather.

 

He _always_ noticed where Akira’s hands are, whether they be by his sides, on the ground, on a video game controller or under his armpits. He noticed that when Akira’s hands were anywhere near his it made his whole _body_ feel different. Every breath was a struggle as he felt Akira’s warmth coming closer and closer--but then Ryuji would realize he hadn’t even been breathing properly and try to keep his focus somewhere else...which was basically impossible.

 

He remembered when Akira pulled him up after being knocked down in a fight with some Shadows. “Here,” he remembered Akira whispering (Akira always whispered; he was so soft spoken. So caring. Without even trying. You could _hear_ the compassion even when you could barely hear him). “Need a hand?” He looked up at Akira’s face--a bit worried but still strong, like always--and smiled as he grabbed the hand that Akira had offered. It was new, the feeling. It felt wrong in so many ways but felt so _right_ in a million others. He looked into Akira’s eyes and smiled, thanking him. Their hands would linger for a second before they snapped back into reality.

 

He knew he shouldn’t feel that way. But damn, sometimes it just felt so good.

 

~

 

“What was that all about?” Ann had asked Ryuji later, when they had left Mementos. “You and Akira.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking ‘bout,” Ryuji replied, taking a bite of his ramen. “He was just helping me up.” Ann shook her head and placed her arms over her chest. When Ann had a hunch about something, she was almost never wrong. She was so sure of herself; that was something Ryuji always admired about her. She was extremely sure about her feelings for Shiho; it truly astounded him. He wished he understood his own feelings as much as Ann did. Ann seemed to know how Ryuji felt more than Ryuji did, and even though he knew it should bug him, it was almost kind of refreshing. Having someone else tell you how you feel. Except, that doesn’t mean he always accepted it.

 

“No way,” she insisted. “There was something different about it. The way you looked at him--”

 

“I was just thankful.” Ryuji tried to make it seem like his hands weren’t sweating like crazy, like he wasn’t nervous, like he wasn’t trying to avoid this conversation entirely. “What’s wrong with that?”

 

“Nothing is _wrong_ with any of it! I’m just saying, you should have _seen_ the way you were looking at each other. And when Akira pulled you up--”

 

“Just forget about it, Ann. Okay?” Ann took a bite of her ramen and looked into the bowl at the wet noodles. He didn’t mean for it to come out so coldly, but as much as he knew that Ann was right, he wasn’t even ready to have that conversation with himself, let alone Ann. If he spoke it out loud, if he admitted to something he wasn’t even 100% sure of, it would be too real. Too permanent. He wasn’t admitting to anything; not yet. “Sorry. I just…” He pulled out his pocket and handed Ann the yen he had to pay for her meal. “I’m sorry. I have to go. Talk tomorrow?”

 

Ann felt his uncertainty and nervousness radiating off of him like a glow. She just smiled, took his yen kindly, and said her goodbyes. On the train ride home, Ryuji thought about anything other than hands. And Akira. Especially Akira.

 

~

 

As hard as she tried, Ann just couldn’t let it go. She knew that she wasn’t the only one of the Phantom Thieves to notice the obvious chemistry between the two, no matter what they were doing or where they were. Ryuji always smiled and laughed when Akira was talking, and Akira always took Ryuji’s thoughts into consideration first. For Yusuke, the light turned on when Ryuji kept insisting they leave the Palace after Akira got hurt during one of the fights with the Shadows. Ryuji claimed that he was just trying to ensure that they didn’t lose their leader in the Palace and that they wouldn’t get anywhere that way, but Yusuke knew better than that.

 

Morgana’s light turned on when the two played video games at Leblanc, leaning against each other, motivating each other, screaming when they died and high fiving when they beat the next level. There was something intimate in the air that he didn’t dare ask about. He just kind of kept it to himself, but Morgana wasn’t stupid enough to think that it meant nothing. No, no. Morgana definitely knew better than that. It was like Ryuji was at his happiest when he was by Akira’s side, and there was no denying that Ryuji felt more chemistry with him than any other person he had met in his life. He had friends, of course, growing up, but since the track team disbanded, it felt like it was all a facade--like he had lost all of his friends when he was at his worst. He had a broken leg and a broken heart, and to make it worse, he made his mom disappointed. That was the worst part.

 

Ryuji saw it this way: Akira would, and forever be, the man who completely changed his life. He owed him everything he had. He walked into his life one day and with one walk around the block completely changed everything. Now, he had friends who cared about him and finally had a life with purpose. Akira was someone completely new, which he needed, but even when Akira knew his past...He didn’t walk away. He didn’t let it define Ryuji. He just decided that his past was something he needed to put away instead of let control the rest of his life. Ann knew, along with the others, that Ryuji and Akira had this bond, this connection that none of them could understand.

That kind of scared Ryuji, but not as much as he thought. He liked the thought of being closer with Akira than anyone else. He liked the idea of knowing Akira more than anyone else. He liked the thought of being with him more than anyone else. God, he wanted Akira all to himself sometimes.

 

More like _all_ of the time.

 

~

 _Something happens and I'm head over heels_  
_I never find out till I'm head over heels_  
_Something happens and I'm head over heels_  
_Ah, don't take my heart, don't break my heart_  
_Don't, don't, don't throw it away_

_- **head over heels, tears for fears**_

 

 “That does it, Sakamoto.”

 

Ann had plopped down in the seat next to him in the cafeteria, just as he was about to take a bite of his food.

 

“What’s your deal _now_ , Ann?”

 

“ _When_ are you going to tell Akira that you’re desperately in love with him?”

 

 _Desperately_ in love? He didn’t even know for sure if what he felt _was_ love, let alone be _desperately_ in love.

 

“’m not in love with Akira, Ann.” Ann slapped the table with her palm. “That’s bullshit, Ryuji, and you know it!” Ann huffed. “You look at Akira like he’s the only person in the room. Like he’s the only fucking person in the world that matters.”

 

“Do not! He’s my best friend, Ann, of course I care ‘bout what he says.” Ryuji took a bite of his food and tried to ignore the thoughts that usually infest his brain.

 

“Ryuji, why do you keep denying it?” Ryuji paused and turned his head to look at her. “I understand being scared of telling someone you like them. Imagine how I felt with Shiho. But I had to do it, Ryuji, or it was going to drive me insane.” Ryuji let his breath leave him.

 

“How did _you_ do it?” Ryuji whispered.

 

“What?”

 

“Shiho is your best friend. Your first friend. That’s how it is with Akira. He’s _my_ best friend.” Ryuji sighed and took another bite of his food.

 

“You’re scared you’re going to lose him,” she whispered, understanding. “Ryuji, that’s exactly how it felt with Shiho. I felt like I was going to lose her, and I couldn’t even bear the thought of her not wanting to be my friend anymore. But she didn’t. She felt the same way--”

 

“Well not everyone is Shiho, Ann. Not everyone feels the same. What are the chances that you like someone and they like you back? There’s no _way_ that Akira likes me back, Ann. No way in fucking hell. I might like him, Ann. I might love him. I might want to fucking be with him for the rest of my life, but it doesn’t matter as long as he thinks of me as only a friend.” Storming, Ryuji grabbed his tray and walked away from the table, leaving Ann with wide eyes and a shocked face. It was true; all of it was true and he had never been able to actually say it out loud before. _I might like him, Ann. I might love him._

 

It was out. It was unavoidable. It was true.

 

Ryuji Sakamoto was _desperately_ in love with his best friend.

 

~

 

Figuring his feelings out in the first place was incredibly hard, but he forgot that figuring out what to actually _do_ with those feelings was a whole lot harder.

 

First, he decided to talk to Ann. Like, actually talk. No avoiding. No denial. Full on talk. About him and Akira.

It kind of scared the shit out of him, but he knew that if anyone knew what to about the situation, it was Ann.

 

“You’ve finally come to your senses, Sakamoto!” Ann squealed as she plopped herself next to Ryuji. “I’m proud of you. When I saw your text, I think I actually had a heart attack.” His palms were already starting to sweat. He wondered if Akira’s palms are sweaty. No. They couldn’t be. Sweaty palms meant someone was anxious or nervous; Akira always kept his cool, even in the most stressful situations.

 

“Thanks for coming.”

 

“Hopefully you don’t mind that I brought Yusuke.” He wasn’t expecting this. It was hard enough to open herself up to Ann, who he trusted wholeheartedly, but _Yusuke?_ He would probably think he was pathetic. Yusuke, as always, made an entrance and sat in his seat with poise and charm, with his black hair flying across his face.

 

“If you don’t mind me asking...why _did_ you bring Yusuke?” He asked, a bit of bitterness in his voice.

 

“Well, he’s the most romantic person I know, of course. I ask him for advice with Shiho on the regular, so I know he could help you.”

 

“It’s more of a tough case, but I’m up for a challenge,” the older man whispered with a smirk. Ryuji felt his fingers tighten up into a fist. “So, you have feelings for Akira, correct?”

 

“... _Correct,”_ Ryuji grunted through gritted teeth.

 

“Tell me about it.” Ryuji felt his grip loosen and he leaned back in his seat.

 

“What d’ya mean?”

 

“Explain. Explain how you feel about Akira.”

 

“I...I like him. Ya know. _Romantically._ ”

 

“Yes, I am aware of that.” Ryuji’s head buzzed. What the hell was this guy talking about? Seeing his confusion, Yusuke continued: “Tell me in detail the extent of your feelings for Akira. What do you like about him? What do you want to do with him? That kind of thing.” Ryuji could tell by the look on Ann’s face that she was excited for this part: the opening of Ryuji’s heart, the first time he would ever really be vulnerable other than when he awakened his Persona in Kamoshida’s palace.

 

“Well, uh...shit. I don’t...I don’t know how you do this kind of stuff.” Yusuke was silent. “I, uh...I like that he sees me for, well, me, I guess. I like that even though I screw shit up all the time he doesn’t…” Ryuji paused and looked down at his leg, the leg that Kamoshida broke. The leg that always reminds him of the past. “He doesn’t leave me. He’s been my friend since day one and saved my life without even knowing me. He didn’t leave me behind to save his own skin. He stayed there and risked everything—I mean, how the hell was he supposed to know there was something like a _Persona_ to save our asses?”

 

Yusuke smiled. This was what he wanted. “I can never forget that. Him risking his life for me. I—I owe him everything. Including my life.”

 

“How did you realize it? That you liked Akira?”

 

“Because...because I want to hold his hand. Because I hate seeing him get hurt, especially when it’s because of me. I hate what this stupid world did to him—I would fucking _kill_ the man who blamed it all on Akira and basically ruined his life. Because I...because when I think of what I’m doing in the future or who I’m with I can only imagine him.”

 

“Shit, Ryuji,” Ann whispered. “I never knew you had that in you.” Ryuji sighed and looked down again.

 

“I didn’t know either. But it’s no use, Yusuke. It’s a lost cause.”

 

“Are you kidding?” Yusuke chuckled. “Ann isn’t the only one who have noticed the chemistry between you two. You could cut the sexual tension between you with a knife.”

 

“Yusuke—”

 

“I don’t think this is one-sided, Ryuji. I think the only reason you don’t think this is going to work is because—”

 

“—because I’m terrified of losing him as a friend,” Ryuji sighed, knowing exactly what he was going to say.

 

Yusuke sighed and nodded. Akira held his head in his hands.

 

“If I lose Akira, Yusuke...shit. If I lose him... I don’t know what the _fuck_ I would do with myself.”

 

“But if you don’t at least try at something more...it will drive you insane,” Ann whispered. “You know it will.”

 

“Besides,” Yusuke interrupted, “you just said how you loved that Akira never left you behind, even if you messed things up. So why would this be any different? If he doesn’t feel the same, I’m sure Akira will still remain your friend.” Yusuke looked over at Ann, who nodded.

 

“You’re right,” Ryuji whispered. “So what do I do?”

 

Yusuke looked over at Ann and smiled.

 

“Well...you’ve got to figure out how to tell him.”

 

~

 

 _I'm talking while you're next to me_  
_Did I ruin the moment?_  
_If I could tell you how I feel_  
_Would you know what the words meant?_

_- **pleaser, wallows**_

 

It was late, and almost no one was left in the batting cages. It was just Akira. Everyone else had already left for the night, and now, in the last remaining hours that the batting cages remained open, Akira took out his anger in each swing of the bat. Ryuji knew what that felt like, the feeling of letting things out all by yourself; it was the best kind of therapy.

 

“Morgana said I’d find you here,” Ryuji said, leaning against the wall.

 

“Oh. Hey, Ryuji.” Akira turned around and put up his bat, ready for the next ball. He wasn’t going to waste the yen he had just spent, even though he did want to talk to Ryuji a bit more. Ryuji noticed Akira’s hands first, of course, which were right at the bottom of the handle, his right hand just above his left, a bit too close. He wasn’t surprised when Akira missed the ball. “Shit. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong.” He took another swing and hit the ball, but it didn’t go very far, not very far at all. Not even close to a home run.

 

“You need to choke up on the bat a bit more, Akira. Your hands’re too close.”

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Akira took another swing and missed before letting out a grunt of frustration. It made Ryuji chuckle, watching him getting frustrated over something as pointless as baseball. He didn’t even get frustrated when it really mattered, like in the Palaces. Then, he was stoic, a true leader, one who didn’t let small (or big) losses affect him too much.

 

“Here.” Ryuji stood up and walked over to Akira. “You need to--” Akira turned his head to look at Ryuji with his glasses sliding down his nose, his grey eyes peering from behind them. Ryuji never understood why Akira wanted to cover up his eyes with his glasses. They were rumored to make some people uncomfortable, but he always thought Akira’s eyes were so alluring and cool. “You just--” Ryuji put his hand on Akira’s and moved it up the bat. There it was again--the feeling deep in his stomach, the feeling that made his whole body stop working.

 

But then Akira looked up.

 

First it was his hands, then it was his eyes, now it was his mouth; his mouth, just slightly parted, that almost begged Ryuji to be kissed. If there was any moment to show Akira how he felt, it was now. “Akira, I…” If only his brain could form words. He could feel Akira’s breath on his, Akira’s eyes on Ryuji’s hot and flustered cheeks, Akira’s hands still underneath his own…

 

And then he kissed him. It was fast, and hot, and out of nowhere, but it felt so _right._ Ryuji’s hands found Akira’s waist. Akira dropped his bat and let his hands find Ryuji’s cheeks, pulling him closer. Hands, hands, hands. Ryuji couldn’t get enough of Akira’s hands. They were on his cheeks, his neck, his shoulders, his hair, everywhere.

 

“Ryuji…” Akira whispered, pulling back for the first time. “Can we go back to my place?”

 

 ~

God, it was terrifying. But a good terrifying.

 

There he was, walking to Leblanc, his head not fully wrapping around the fact that he had _finally_ closed the gap, that he finally cut the tension, that his hand was so close to Akira’s and if he wanted to he could probably _hold_ it, that this was actually _happening._ Him and Akira. It was happening. He could still feel the tingly sensation in his lips, or where Akira’s hands had touched his face. It was almost like it was still happening.

 

When Akira opened the doors to Leblanc, he motioned Ryuji up to his room, upstairs, in the dark, alone. He asked Morgana nicely to leave, with a hint of _I’m a bit busy, if you catch my drift_ in his voice. Morgana understood and made his way downstairs, leaving the two officially alone. The silence in the room was unbearable for a second, but then Ryuji found Akira, still riding the wave of bravery, and kissed him, soft and kind of needy, and Akira kissed him back.

 

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this,” Akira whimpered against Ryuji’s neck.

 

“I think I have some idea,” Ryuji replied, chuckling before kissing Akira again. Hands found Ryuji’s blonde, spiky hair, and in the dark it almost looked black, just like it used to be. Before they knew it, they were on the bed with Akira underneath Ryuji. They knew where this was going, but neither of them wanted to stop--all of the passion, all of the secret desires, all of the “almost”s and “could have been”s and “what if”s...they were all in new forms: in harsh kisses, in rough touches, in shaky moans and short breaths.

 

They had been waiting forever for this moment.

 

A shirt was thrown across the room. Akira’s hands explored Ryuji’s bare chest. His fingers against Ryuji’s skin felt like electricity, like a new feeling altogether. Another shirt was gone. It was Ryuji’s turn to explore, but instead of fingers and hands, it was his mouth, first leaving small kisses down Akira’s neck, then down to his collarbone. He wanted to leave hickeys, but Akira’s body was too perfect, too wonderful to be blemished.

 

“R-Ryuji,” Akira whimpered. They were both aware of the pressure against Ryuji’s jeans. It was the elephant in the room, and as much as Ryuji wanted to do something with it--he didn’t come prepared. He didn’t have a condom, lube, nothing. He didn’t even really know what he was supposed to do--

 

But Akira pulled his pants down anyway. He was only a pair of underwear away from being completely naked, and he had been naked in front of Akira before, but that was different--he was clueless and still trying to figure Akira out. Now, he was showing himself, he was giving himself to Akira. He was letting Akira in. And he wanted it. Another set of kisses; Akira had more territory to explore with hands, and that did _not_ help Ryuji’s situation; if anything, it made it harder to focus, harder not to let something other than his brain take control, harder not to just give in. His small moans pressed against Akira’s collarbone, and before he knew it, Akira was hard too, leaving them both hot and slick, both wanting what they couldn’t have, not now at least.

 

Hands found the waistband of Ryuji’s underwear. Akira looked into Ryuji’s eyes, begging for approval, and Ryuji gave it to him with a small nod and a small groan. His underwear slid down over his hip, down below his ankles, and into the pile building across the room. There Ryuji was, naked, hovering above the guy he had called his best friend, his boner harder and more needy that it had ever been, and there Akira was, ready to give him what he wanted. A _hand_ found its way to Ryuji’s groin. It wouldn’t take long, they both knew, and with a few strokes, they both came before Ryuji slid beside Akira onto the bed. They were both worn out now, and Ryuji knew he should probably be home instead of in Akira Kurusu’s bed, but he didn’t regret a single thing.

 

Akira fell asleep first. It was easy to since his face was snuggled into Ryuji’s chest. Ryuji didn’t sleep, not for a while, not when he could watch Akira asleep in his arms beside him.

 

~

 _I wanna hold hands with you_  
_But that's all I wanna do right now_  
_And I wanna get close to you_  
_'Cause your hands and lips still know their way around, oh_

_- **talk me down, troye sivan**_

Ryuji didn’t know when he fell asleep, but he was awake now; awake, with the sun hitting him square in the face, completely naked, and in Akira Kurusu’s bed.

 

The last part kind of hit him a bit harder than the others. He slept naked before; that was no big deal. But he was in Akira’s bed; even when he slept over at Akira’s house, he slept on the floor. He couldn’t guarantee that he would be able to keep his feelings in check if he was that close (and Akira’s bed was kind of small. Not like Soijiro was expecting Akira to have people sleeping in his bed). As he got up, he realized that Akira was nowhere to be found, and neither was Morgana. _Morgana._ He wondered if he knew what happened last night.

 

 _Last night!_ Jesus! Last night was the best night of his life. He wanted to tell Ann and Yusuke--he knew they would flip out--but before he could grab his pants to get his phone, he smelled something _really, really_ good. He was sleeping above a cafe, of course, and he didn’t have anything to eat for dinner. He slipped on his clothes and crept down the stairs.

 

His eyes found Akira right away. He was sitting on a stool in front of Sojiro, who was cooking up some curry and making coffee. _Sojiro._ He wondered if Sojiro knew. God, that would be awkward.

 

“Sakamoto! How did you sleep?” Sojiro asked Ryuji. Akira turned his head and found Ryuji’s eyes. They both blushed.

 

“Uh, I’ve never slept better, Boss.”

 

“You _do_ look well rested, son.” Ryuji stifled a laugh and plopped down beside Akira. He knew that sooner or later they would have to _talk. That_ talk. The one where they talk about their feelings and shit. But he liked that there was no rush; that he didn’t have to start pouring out his feelings as soon as he woke up, that he could just enjoy some curry and coffee with his best friend and not have to worry anymore. He finally had some reassurance, some closure, and _damn,_ it felt good.

 

“You want to head out?” Akira asked after they finished with their curry.

 

“Sure, yeah, after I change my clothes." They laughed. "Where are we going?”

 

“That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

 

~

It was a pond, beautiful and quiet. Couples were out on boats, ducks were swimming, and Ryuji was going on a date with Akira. Except it didn’t feel like a date. He figured that was the best kind, where it just felt like two people hanging out but with so many more layers to it. They could kiss and make out, or they could just make stupid jokes and hang like old pals. Man, this was so much better than he thought it would be.

 

“I wanted to take you somewhere quiet.” Ryuji felt Akira’s pinky touch the side of his hand, asking for permission. He gave it immediately, lacing his fingers between Akira’s. It felt like everything he imagined Akira’s hand would feel like and more. He could feel the warmth in his face as Akira smiled and led him toward a shaded area by the water. “So, do you want to talk about it?”

 

“About what?”

 

“About _us,_ I guess.” Ryuji found a place on the ground and didn’t let go of Akira’s hand as he sat down beside him. There it was. The _talk._ Ryuji let out a sigh.

 

“What is there to talk about? I like you, Akira. A lot. It’s pretty obvious.” Akira smiled and stared at their hands, which were still touching. “I like how you’re so good at being serious but also at being, you know, fun.”

 

“Ryuji?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I like you too. A lot.”

 

It was quiet for a moment. It was just the sounds of nature all around them; the sounds of paddles going through the water, the trees rustling in the breeze, the ducks quacking. Then Ryuji’s lips pressed against Akira’s. It wasn’t harsh, or needy. It was soft, and real, like it was their first. “I think I could get used to this,” Ryuji whispered in Akira’s ear.

 

“Yeah,” he replied. “So could I.”


End file.
